All of my life I have been riddled with self-doubt and insecurity. I never thought I was good enough for anything. I feared defeat, and losses of any kind made my heart ache something fierce.
My insecurities kept me from High School sports, academic challenges, and an active social life of any kind.
My failing liver convinced me to be sober in 2004, and for the first time I had to face the world and face myself without any liquid courage, magic pill or clouds of smoke.
Over the past 7 and 1/2 years I’ve been continually working on healing my insecurities. I have been doing my best to find stillness, and cultivate a sense of love.
Yesterday, I ran into someone I know from tending bar. I get the impression every time I see her that I rub her the wrong way, and I don’t know why. I’m sure at some point I did something stupid, or maybe she’s one of those people that thinks I’m arrogant. Whatever it is, I’m pretty sure that chick despises me.
Don’t get me wrong, I am okay with that. At this point in my life, I don’t need anyone to like me. But it still confuses me a little. Insecurity still gets triggered in me.
Today I woke up and contemplated the previous day. I realized how many times a little part of me got scared and felt small.
The time is almost here to have my first book signing. Insecurities are coming up left and right for me. Almost everything I read about starting my own publishing company and marketing my own book says I will fail. I’m sure the transition from bartender to motivational speaker will be awkward for many people. To some it just won’t make sense. Some moments throughout my day, it seems laughable to me as well.
But, when I take the time to be still; when I really sit and silence the little voice in my head, I feel that this is my calling. This is what I was made to do.
If you know me, you know I can tell a story. I’ve lived a rich and colorful life, and I am very self-reflective. My realizations transcend me. I have had more than one person tell me that the sample they’ve read seems like I have written it directly to them; that our lives have paralleled, and it’s amazing how much I know about them.
I know from past and present experiences that my coaching is effective, my consultations are spot on, and my writing touches people. But, even that doesn’t keep me from feeling scared and insecure.
Tomorrow I’m going to talk about something that I do to help ease the tension and dispel my fear of the unknown.